Saying Goodbye

There is something that no one tells you before you go abroad.  You get all prepped for what could happen abroad, but not for what could happen at home while you are abroad.  And when something does happen at home, you just feel stuck, and this experience that used to feel freeing and amazing, suddenly makes you feel bound down and so very lonely.

No one tells you that while abroad loved ones at home could change, or they could get sick, or worst of all, they could pass away. No one tells you that your final goodbye for forever might be the goodbye you say when you think you're just going away for six months.

Last night my Grandma went to go be with my Grandpa again. She fought a long fight, and now gets to meet Jesus and fall back into my Grandpa's arms.

Gram, I am so sorry that I did not get to be there to physically say goodbye to you...I think you know I was there in heart, and I think in a way, that month we spent together was our goodbye, and I am so grateful for that time.

Gram, when I think about all of the memories I have of you, I just smile.  I smile at the thought of cooking bacon in the microwave with you, while you let me sit on the counter and help.  I smile at the endless cups of chocolate milk with extra syrup that you gave my sisters and I behind our parent's back.  I smile thinking about when we watched Grease together and you (in your recliner) did all of the dance moves to Greased Lightning.  I smile at the memories of Christmas', Easter's, Thanksgivings, baptisms, first communions, and all other family gatherings spent in your house.  That house will always hold such a special place in my heart.  I smile thinking of how you ALWAYS asked us "Who loves you?" And we had to respond with "Grandma does!" And your face would light up as you would say "That's right!"  I smile at the memory of all the Hallmark and Lifetime movies we watched together, and how none of us cared that my dad hated every second of it.  I smile thinking of how you always eagerly handed us wads of cash to go get our fill (and your fill) of Denville Dairy.  Don't worry, I will continue going there for you. I smile and laugh so hard at the memories of you saying "I'm ballin' on a budget!" and "all I want for my birthday is a big booty hoe", having no idea of course what those phrases mean.  I smile knowing that you've been there, for every big moment in my life, with your proud smile, at times happy tears, and endless loving hugs and kisses.  And I smile thinking about the month that we had together, just the two of us.  Even though I may have been physically caring for you, you were the one teaching me, loving me, and impacting me in more ways than I can name.  I am so thankful for that time together, for that time to, in a way, say goodbye.

Gram, thank you for being so loving and so selfless.  Thank you for teaching me all about love, patience, and the importance of family.  Thank you for being stubborn (although difficult at times), I love that you always knew what you wanted, and I love that I can say I get that trait honestly. Thank you for being sarcastic, honest, and always ready to laugh.   Thank you for always giving selflessly regardless of how much or how little you had.  Most of all, thank you for loving Jesus and your family with all of your heart.  That never went unnoticed.

I will continue making your coffee perfectly, although now I will just have to drink it for you.  Quite honestly, I will probably never make another Manhattan again in my life, but I can say that it is a skill I have mastered...right down to the perfect amount of ice cubes.  I promise that my sisters and I will undoubtedly watch every Hallmark and Lifetime movie for you, and we will try to make our father endure them too...just like we've always done.  More than anything, I will love more and love better because of all that you've taught me.  I will forever wear the necklace you gave me all those years ago, look at it every day, and think of you, your smile, and your love.

Give Grandpa a big hug for me.  Make him dance with you.  Start a party up there (if you haven't already).  See everything for the first time in a long time.  You will be with us always...in our hearts, in our smiles, in our tears, in our laughter.  Your impact will last for forever and I can't wait to tell my children and grandchildren all about you.  I love you and I miss you and I will see you again someday.